Learning to be ok with Walking

Photo Source

Alone, that is. I’ve finally mastered my discontent in being alone. Yes, it’s one of those stories. I’m a true loner but I had a bad habit of letting in people with ill intent. I didn’t realize how much my parents abandoning me effected my decision making. As a child it’s excusable. As a woman, it’s shameful. I had to learn to take responsibility for my role that I played. I had to open my eyes to how I hurt myself. I had to question myself on why I would allow people in that I know were using me for whatever purpose. I had to acknowledge my foolishness. 

You see, I was use to walking alone. But I wasn’t happy walking alone. So I would accept anything that someone would offer. Because I thought it was better than nothing. I realized how I disrespected myself by letting someone disrespect me. I realized that I didn’t value myself because I allowed others to degrade me. No, I’m not a masochist. I was just a desperate fool. Not only that, but I watched someone very close to me accept anything. And would teach me certain “traditional” ways of “womanhood”. I would rebel against who I thought was this person who taught me those things. Instead I realized that I rebelled against myself. I walked knowingly and desperately into the same toxic behavior and environment. 

Over the years I had to clean up childhood trauma and build myself up on my own. And finally, after one last departure, I sat with myself. I wondered in that moment Why am I so afraid of success? Answer: abandonment. I’ve always seen people leave for one reason or another. And I remember that pain. I hated the thought of travelling too much for too long. I didn’t want to be alone nor did I want my loved ones to feel alone. That’s an odd selfish trait to have. Recently, I decided to wing it. 

And dang is this fun! Loving oneself is amazing. So now, not only do I walk the walk, but I prance and dance in happiness. Passion blows in my hair. I’m sharing this in hopes that anyone out there ever feel the way that I use to, would fine strength and support here. You are enough. Take that chance on yourself. Walk you path. Imagine what you could find.

In My Tree,

Owl

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “  Learning to be ok with Walking

  1. I really relate to this post. I have used, abused and downright insulted myself for far too long by letting negative energy in. It has taken me a long time to start caring about myself and be okay with being alone. Some days are more difficult than others, but then you have to keep moving, right? I’m glad you’ve made the decision to keep moving forward too and are at peace with yourself.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s