Alone, that is. I’ve finally mastered my discontent in being alone. Yes, it’s one of those stories. I’m a true loner but I had a bad habit of letting in people with ill intent. I didn’t realize how much my parents abandoning me effected my decision making. As a child it’s excusable. As a woman, it’s shameful. I had to learn to take responsibility for my role that I played. I had to open my eyes to how I hurt myself. I had to question myself on why I would allow people in that I know were using me for whatever purpose. I had to acknowledge my foolishness.
You see, I was use to walking alone. But I wasn’t happy walking alone. So I would accept anything that someone would offer. Because I thought it was better than nothing. I realized how I disrespected myself by letting someone disrespect me. I realized that I didn’t value myself because I allowed others to degrade me. No, I’m not a masochist. I was just a desperate fool. Not only that, but I watched someone very close to me accept anything. And would teach me certain “traditional” ways of “womanhood”. I would rebel against who I thought was this person who taught me those things. Instead I realized that I rebelled against myself. I walked knowingly and desperately into the same toxic behavior and environment.
Over the years I had to clean up childhood trauma and build myself up on my own. And finally, after one last departure, I sat with myself. I wondered in that moment Why am I so afraid of success? Answer: abandonment. I’ve always seen people leave for one reason or another. And I remember that pain. I hated the thought of travelling too much for too long. I didn’t want to be alone nor did I want my loved ones to feel alone. That’s an odd selfish trait to have. Recently, I decided to wing it.
And dang is this fun! Loving oneself is amazing. So now, not only do I walk the walk, but I prance and dance in happiness. Passion blows in my hair. I’m sharing this in hopes that anyone out there ever feel the way that I use to, would fine strength and support here. You are enough. Take that chance on yourself. Walk you path. Imagine what you could find.
In My Tree,