Someone Told Me Not To Post This.

July 11, 2015.. The day my transition and transformation began. The sleepless nights didn’t kill me. The abandonment didn’t kill me. The abuse didn’t kill me. The rapes didn’t kill me. My attempted murderer didn’t kill me. Depression, anxiety, and (ptsd) didn’t kill me. Fear mongers didn’t kill me. Lack of love and self love did not kill me. 

I decided to stop suppressing myself. I decided to stop making myself unhappy to make others comfortable because they sure wouldn’t do the same. I became my own support, my own cheerleader, my own love interest (Yes, it’s possible without perversion). And once I made those changes, I felt and saw the support and love flood into my life from every corner, The Sky as well as every grain of soil. Finally, I openly followed my intuition which has NEVER BEEN WRONG. I will always stay with my gut instinct and intuition before anyone’s word. I’m sharing this because I know there are more people out here who have been through this (and more). 

And you still haven’t let go. Fear holds us back. It’s a type of slavery you can’t easily see, nor are most prepared to acknowledge. The worst part about this is that there are children who are taught that they do not matter, that they aren’t loved, they aren’t worthy, and they should be silent. Then as they grow older they are left in pieces to clean up the destruction that was bestowed upon them. Every excuse is made in this world to make them slaves, to break their spirit. I went from local churches growing up, to NOMA, and Waymaker ministries to help change things. But I had to start with myself. The summer of 2015 was the evening that I fell high, reborn.

If you didn’t know, you are needed. You are worthy, you are loved. Please love yourself. #AllIsABlessing #LoveYourself


Phoenix (Keota)

black water photo

sunrise photo


Three Eyes

I am in my head and outside of my mind

And I no longer care why

Intoxicated by my own heart

Strengthened by my nous

Learned the lesson as I walked out

I Washed away the never in my eyes

In my belly sits the forever without a doubt

If I burned a tree

I’ll bury the ashes in my mouth

By Keota Picou

Open Facades (I)

Everything is so beautiful now. I had a taste of myself. I embraced potential. I owned up to strength. Everything is so beautiful now. My trials were heaven sent. Death stood at my door- warned me thrice. Slicing away verboten habits. Self harm with a few cups of disrespect- down it burned black to ash. I will not reject myself. I will not reject myself. I will not reject myself. The she in me ripped my ribs apart. It had to happen. I kept fighting. I lost. I lost it all for me.
Call Me Phoenix

I’m an INFJ and…

I’m finding it hard to express my happiness at the moment. In fact, my main reason for starting this blog is to teach myself how to better express myself. Only recently have I been able to somewhat express grief, anger, and depression. I’m not all doom and gloom, you know. But I feel as though I haven’t found the correct words to express my happiness. Well… for one, I shouldn’t look for the politically correct words or otherwise to express my happiness. I should just let the pen flow. Why can’t I just let the pen flow

Let the pen flow to the weirdest dreams

It will reveal those wild beings

Just let it write to the rhythm of the sea

And watch as your hopes become a reality

Keep your pen free to express extremes

Brave minds will gravitate to your everything

Release the cap and let it breathe

The pressure leaks in clear streams

Let go of ink to line it’s pleasure

Bury your chest to expose each measure

Give it your spirit and Your heart with each letter

Let your pen flow to your chaos and serene

From Me to You

Keota P

(P.s. I think Edgar Allan Poe was in my head or something. Whew!) 

Come, Sit With Me. (I)

“He let himself in. You need to know that.” -Mary Ann Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)

I am not, in any way, shying away from responsibility. I learned, much like Mary Ann, that you must pay attention to people, especially yourself. Sometimes you focus so much on the other person that you don’t realize your guard has fallen. But how does it slip away so easily?

“And then we talked. And we talked for hours. I hadn’t talked to anyone, really talked, to anyone in so long.”- Mary Ann Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)

Talking, intimately, in an in-depth conversation about any and everything. So you think. But did you catch those half-truths with the outright lies? 

“He talked to me. No one had ever really talked to me before.” Mrs. Alice Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)

For someone who hasn’t been treated well, it’s easy to fall for sweet nothings and empty promises. Self-love and self-respect are hard lessons to learn. Being connected to yourself so that you’re able to comprehend that you have a problem is even harder. Oh yeah, throw in being gullible. It’s not a crutch. It’s a shame.

“Someone takes an interest. Knew the Bible, every word. Just knew it by heart.”- Mrs. Alice Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)

They pretend to share the same interests. All conversations need to be relatable. They need you to believe them. They need to believe themselves. The others just love their masks. 

“I only set the stage. You pull your own strings.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

Most people beg for a scapegoat. They will kill for a scapegoat. But in the end, we all make our own decisions. Even in entrapment, it was your own decision. Cognitive dissonance is not only a toxic mental issue, it’s also a drug.

“You got a whole lot of that fury, yeah! It’s the last thing to go. It’s the final hiding place. It’s the final fig leaf.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

Yes, but some are amazingly talented at hiding that fury. They will first hide it from themselves. Bright smiles and coaxing tones. Self control is mastery.

“You put that lying [expletive] on the stand!”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

Slander hide and lies. This is not a riddle.

“Vanity is definitely my favorite sin.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

It’s everyone’s favorite sin. Self-love is important and necessary. But at times it easily goes too far. Humans are complicated.

“It’s not that you didn’t care for Mary Ann, Kevin. It’s just that you were a little more involved with someone else, yourself.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

This is the one thing that most do not see. They might go on a rampage once they look at themselves.

“You know what? I’ll tell you, boy. Guilt is like a bag of fucking bricks. All you have to do is set it down.”- John Milton

It’s a protective shield that I use to cope with emotional pain. It goes back to lack of self-love and self-respect.

“He’s a prankster. Think about it.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

I wonder if they meant to say The System.

“He’s a sadist!”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

I agree. And I think that I might be a masochist. Too long, I’ve walked around jaded.

“I care about what he wanted and I never judged him. Why? Because I never rejected, despite all his imperfections! I’m a fan of man! I’m a humanist.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

I am absolutely a humanist. Yes. Absolutely. I will always be a spiritual humanist. Am I a walking contradiction? A walking oxymoron perhaps.

“Anybody want a drink? I’m having a drink.”- Christabella Andreoli (The Devil’s Advocate)

Seasmoke Cellars’ Pinot Noir if you do not have Parducci Red, please.

“What do you want?”- Kevin Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)

Your honesty.

What are you offering?”-Kevin Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)

You’ve just shown your hands.

“Everything! Anything! What do you want?! How about bliss for starters? Instant bliss! Bliss on tap. Bliss any way you want it.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

First time shame on you. Second time shame on me.

“How about that thing you wanted the most?”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

The heart that was dangled in front of y soul? The heart that I wanted to walk with? What ever happened to it? It was painted on a canvas. It wasn’t alive. It was for show. I was taught well.

People think that they want more money or to be more attractive. Maybe a luxury sports car and a mansion. No, humans want to win. It’s the win.

“I take the bricks out of the briefcase. Freedom, baby, is never having to say you’re sorry!”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

As I’ve said, I have learned. Thank you.

Is This Who I Am?

I am here to love and to be loved. I am here to learn as well as teach. I am here to grow. I am here to create. I am here to destroy. 

Yes I have darkness in me. And I have a balance of light. I put it on the table. And I do not shy away from a worthy fight. What goes up, must come down. I want to save the people as I save myself. I want to be loved equally instead of accepting less.

Silently Loud (I)

Blocked the lock

Yanked the key

Bathed in the ocean

Washed up at sea

Burned in a fire

Engulfed in the winds

But I don’t recall a moment of IT.

IT was a day. IT was a situation. IT was a person. IT was a thing. IT had a life force. IT had a gift. IT was a lesson. 

Strange retractions.

IT happened just as I said it would.

As I drowned in my own ocean, considering to end my life, I searched through waters to salvage my heart.

The second breath of life is so crisp. Through my lessons I have earned blessings and I am strong enough.