Alone, that is. I’ve finally mastered my discontent in being alone. Yes, it’s one of those stories. I’m a true loner but I had a bad habit of letting in people with ill intent. I didn’t realize how much my parents abandoning me effected my decision making. As a child it’s excusable. As a woman, it’s shameful. I had to learn to take responsibility for my role that I played. I had to open my eyes to how I hurt myself. I had to question myself on why I would allow people in that I know were using me for whatever purpose. I had to acknowledge my foolishness.
You see, I was use to walking alone. But I wasn’t happy walking alone. So I would accept anything that someone would offer. Because I thought it was better than nothing. I realized how I disrespected myself by letting someone disrespect me. I realized that I didn’t value myself because I allowed others to degrade me. No, I’m not a masochist. I was just a desperate fool. Not only that, but I watched someone very close to me accept anything. And would teach me certain “traditional” ways of “womanhood”. I would rebel against who I thought was this person who taught me those things. Instead I realized that I rebelled against myself. I walked knowingly and desperately into the same toxic behavior and environment.
Over the years I had to clean up childhood trauma and build myself up on my own. And finally, after one last departure, I sat with myself. I wondered in that moment Why am I so afraid of success? Answer: abandonment. I’ve always seen people leave for one reason or another. And I remember that pain. I hated the thought of travelling too much for too long. I didn’t want to be alone nor did I want my loved ones to feel alone. That’s an odd selfish trait to have. Recently, I decided to wing it.
And dang is this fun! Loving oneself is amazing. So now, not only do I walk the walk, but I prance and dance in happiness. Passion blows in my hair. I’m sharing this in hopes that anyone out there ever feel the way that I use to, would fine strength and support here. You are enough. Take that chance on yourself. Walk you path. Imagine what you could find.
We all have to earn, you feel me? Life is full of tests. It’s a WE thing, it’s not a ME thing. And at this point in your life, you need to know that you don’t have to bend over backwards for any human.
I am grateful for what I have and what I’ve learned. Most days I’m happy now. Lately, I’ve been letting Nature take its course. I cannot and should not force anyone to stay in my life. I also should not fear losing anyone, especially if I’m gaining pieces of myself in return. This puzzle of mine, I put together with intense focus. Recently, I’ve noticed that a few people in my life will be exiting at this stage. It is a sacrifice I thought long and hard over. I am prepared and ready to make it.
I am at a place of peace and passion. I know that I have options. I do not have to follow anyone. I don’t need to bend to another person’s will. I have choices.
YOU HAVE CHOICES
Anyone out there who feels as though they’re going through the motions, or maybe you feel that you are always doing what you are told and it depresses you, I want to help you to remove that conditioning. Lift your veil. You are enough. Maybe you’re in a dead end relationship or a dead end job. I’ve been through both countless of times. Maybe you feel controlled and enslaved by religion, maybe you’re looking to join a religion. Either way you have choices. There are options. Sit and think deeply. Write, make several plans to find a way out. But the first step is KNOWING that you can get out. Experience, experiment, and explore. That’s a motto I created for myself to remind myself of life’s capabilities and how I should approach it. And I’m sharing it with you. I love you 🌏🌍🌎.