This is who he wish I would be.
But I am ME.
I AM NOT WEAK.
This is who he wish I would be.
But I am ME.
I AM NOT WEAK.
July 11, 2015.. The day my transition and transformation began. The sleepless nights didn’t kill me. The abandonment didn’t kill me. The abuse didn’t kill me. The rapes didn’t kill me. My attempted murderer didn’t kill me. Depression, anxiety, and (ptsd) didn’t kill me. Fear mongers didn’t kill me. Lack of love and self love did not kill me.
I decided to stop suppressing myself. I decided to stop making myself unhappy to make others comfortable because they sure wouldn’t do the same. I became my own support, my own cheerleader, my own love interest (Yes, it’s possible without perversion). And once I made those changes, I felt and saw the support and love flood into my life from every corner, The Sky as well as every grain of soil. Finally, I openly followed my intuition which has NEVER BEEN WRONG. I will always stay with my gut instinct and intuition before anyone’s word. I’m sharing this because I know there are more people out here who have been through this (and more).
And you still haven’t let go. Fear holds us back. It’s a type of slavery you can’t easily see, nor are most prepared to acknowledge. The worst part about this is that there are children who are taught that they do not matter, that they aren’t loved, they aren’t worthy, and they should be silent. Then as they grow older they are left in pieces to clean up the destruction that was bestowed upon them. Every excuse is made in this world to make them slaves, to break their spirit. I went from local churches growing up, to NOMA, and Waymaker ministries to help change things. But I had to start with myself. The summer of 2015 was the evening that I fell high, reborn.
If you didn’t know, you are needed. You are worthy, you are loved. Please love yourself. #AllIsABlessing #LoveYourself
Everything is so beautiful now. I had a taste of myself. I embraced potential. I owned up to strength. Everything is so beautiful now. My trials were heaven sent. Death stood at my door- warned me thrice. Slicing away verboten habits. Self harm with a few cups of disrespect- down it burned black to ash. I will not reject myself. I will not reject myself. I will not reject myself. The she in me ripped my ribs apart. It had to happen. I kept fighting. I lost. I lost it all for me.
Call Me Phoenix
“He let himself in. You need to know that.” -Mary Ann Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)
I am not, in any way, shying away from responsibility. I learned, much like Mary Ann, that you must pay attention to people, especially yourself. Sometimes you focus so much on the other person that you don’t realize your guard has fallen. But how does it slip away so easily?
“And then we talked. And we talked for hours. I hadn’t talked to anyone, really talked, to anyone in so long.”- Mary Ann Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)
Talking, intimately, in an in-depth conversation about any and everything. So you think. But did you catch those half-truths with the outright lies?
“He talked to me. No one had ever really talked to me before.” Mrs. Alice Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)
For someone who hasn’t been treated well, it’s easy to fall for sweet nothings and empty promises. Self-love and self-respect are hard lessons to learn. Being connected to yourself so that you’re able to comprehend that you have a problem is even harder. Oh yeah, throw in being gullible. It’s not a crutch. It’s a shame.
“Someone takes an interest. Knew the Bible, every word. Just knew it by heart.”- Mrs. Alice Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)
They pretend to share the same interests. All conversations need to be relatable. They need you to believe them. They need to believe themselves. The others just love their masks.
“I only set the stage. You pull your own strings.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)
Most people beg for a scapegoat. They will kill for a scapegoat. But in the end, we all make our own decisions. Even in entrapment, it was your own decision. Cognitive dissonance is not only a toxic mental issue, it’s also a drug.
“You got a whole lot of that fury, yeah! It’s the last thing to go. It’s the final hiding place. It’s the final fig leaf.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)
Yes, but some are amazingly talented at hiding that fury. They will first hide it from themselves. Bright smiles and coaxing tones. Self control is mastery.
“You put that lying [expletive] on the stand!”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)
Slander hide and lies. This is not a riddle.
“Vanity is definitely my favorite sin.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)
It’s everyone’s favorite sin. Self-love is important and necessary. But at times it easily goes too far. Humans are complicated.
“It’s not that you didn’t care for Mary Ann, Kevin. It’s just that you were a little more involved with someone else, yourself.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)
This is the one thing that most do not see. They might go on a rampage once they look at themselves.
“You know what? I’ll tell you, boy. Guilt is like a bag of fucking bricks. All you have to do is set it down.”- John Milton
It’s a protective shield that I use to cope with emotional pain. It goes back to lack of self-love and self-respect.
“He’s a prankster. Think about it.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)
I wonder if they meant to say The System.
“He’s a sadist!”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)
I agree. And I think that I might be a masochist. Too long, I’ve walked around jaded.
“I care about what he wanted and I never judged him. Why? Because I never rejected, despite all his imperfections! I’m a fan of man! I’m a humanist.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)
I am absolutely a humanist. Yes. Absolutely. I will always be a spiritual humanist. Am I a walking contradiction? A walking oxymoron perhaps.
“Anybody want a drink? I’m having a drink.”- Christabella Andreoli (The Devil’s Advocate)
Seasmoke Cellars’ Pinot Noir if you do not have Parducci Red, please.
“What do you want?”- Kevin Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)
What are you offering?”-Kevin Lomax (The Devil’s Advocate)
You’ve just shown your hands.
“Everything! Anything! What do you want?! How about bliss for starters? Instant bliss! Bliss on tap. Bliss any way you want it.”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)
First time shame on you. Second time shame on me.
“How about that thing you wanted the most?”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)
The heart that was dangled in front of y soul? The heart that I wanted to walk with? What ever happened to it? It was painted on a canvas. It wasn’t alive. It was for show. I was taught well.
People think that they want more money or to be more attractive. Maybe a luxury sports car and a mansion. No, humans want to win. It’s the win.
“I take the bricks out of the briefcase. Freedom, baby, is never having to say you’re sorry!”- John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)
As I’ve said, I have learned. Thank you.
Blocked the lock
Yanked the key
Bathed in the ocean
Washed up at sea
Burned in a fire
Engulfed in the winds
But I don’t recall a moment of IT.
IT was a day. IT was a situation. IT was a person. IT was a thing. IT had a life force. IT had a gift. IT was a lesson.
IT happened just as I said it would.
As I drowned in my own ocean, considering to end my life, I searched through waters to salvage my heart.
The second breath of life is so crisp. Through my lessons I have earned blessings and I am strong enough.
Alone, that is. I’ve finally mastered my discontent in being alone. Yes, it’s one of those stories. I’m a true loner but I had a bad habit of letting in people with ill intent. I didn’t realize how much my parents abandoning me effected my decision making. As a child it’s excusable. As a woman, it’s shameful. I had to learn to take responsibility for my role that I played. I had to open my eyes to how I hurt myself. I had to question myself on why I would allow people in that I know were using me for whatever purpose. I had to acknowledge my foolishness.
You see, I was use to walking alone. But I wasn’t happy walking alone. So I would accept anything that someone would offer. Because I thought it was better than nothing. I realized how I disrespected myself by letting someone disrespect me. I realized that I didn’t value myself because I allowed others to degrade me. No, I’m not a masochist. I was just a desperate fool. Not only that, but I watched someone very close to me accept anything. And would teach me certain “traditional” ways of “womanhood”. I would rebel against who I thought was this person who taught me those things. Instead I realized that I rebelled against myself. I walked knowingly and desperately into the same toxic behavior and environment.
Over the years I had to clean up childhood trauma and build myself up on my own. And finally, after one last departure, I sat with myself. I wondered in that moment Why am I so afraid of success? Answer: abandonment. I’ve always seen people leave for one reason or another. And I remember that pain. I hated the thought of travelling too much for too long. I didn’t want to be alone nor did I want my loved ones to feel alone. That’s an odd selfish trait to have. Recently, I decided to wing it.
And dang is this fun! Loving oneself is amazing. So now, not only do I walk the walk, but I prance and dance in happiness. Passion blows in my hair. I’m sharing this in hopes that anyone out there ever feel the way that I use to, would fine strength and support here. You are enough. Take that chance on yourself. Walk you path. Imagine what you could find.
In My Tree,